tacogirl

Asshole I.T. guys!

2007-01-18T13:55:00.000-08:00

Well, now it looks like I am blocked from all fucking blogspot websites. Apparently I can still get on this to type a blog but all urls with blogspot in the addy have now been blocked. So, I can update my blog, but not look at it! WTF??? Also, now I can not keep up with anyone elses. Do the dickheads in Harrisburg actually expect me to work all fucking day? I mean come on! I need entertainment too.

I hate this...

2006-09-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I want to get better right now. I am really struggling it and really fighting it tooth and nail. It is such an internal battle. I have put on some weight which was necessary yet which sent me back over the edge. I don't know how much because I did stick to the not having a scale thing but it is at least a few pounds. My pants got tight and some of them don't fit and I couldn't handle it. I had gone from daily vomiting to maybe weekly, well I'm back up to daily. I just lost my desire to fight this right now. I haven't told my husband that I'm puking again. I don't want his support. I don't want to be married to him anymore either. I totally hate him right now. He is giving me a hassle about going back to school next week, because he doesn't want me to be away from home at night. Well, fuck him this is the first thing I am doing for MYSELF in forever and I am doing it, damn it.
I feel so alone yet I am basically making myself suffer alone by isolating myself. This is a sneaky, sucky disease.
I am seeing my counselor once a week of course but blowing off the nutritionist. I just can't handle the whole meal plan-eating thing right now. I know I am only in the beginning stages of recovery and this is a normal stage but I still feel so hopeless.
My medication has been upped a few times and even though I don't have much of an appetite or desire to binge I still want to throw up my food. I still want to be skinny. I can't handle this at all...

She was Right

2006-08-30T05:56:00.000-07:00

Well, it was too good to be true. My streak of good behavior that is...
I am really struggling right now. On Sunday I couldn't handle lunch even though it was a freaking ham sandwich. So, I threw it up. Dumb move! That just makes each meal harder and throws you right back into the cycle. Now it's Wednesday and I've thrown up every day since. Not dinner, but some time during the day. I just feel so fat and disgusting. It's driving me insane to not know what I weigh yet I know it's important to my recovery to not know. Plus I threw out my scale so I can't weigh myself.
I know logically that I am not fat since I wear a fucking size two. But, this disorder fucks with your mind. I also know logically that you do not balloon overnight or from eating dinners for one week, but yet I am expecting it to occur. Why oh why did I let myself do this to myself???
When I think back to my pre-eating disorder days...
I should have just kept my slightly bigger but never overweight body. The body that ate what it wanted and never worried about every calorie and fat gram. The body that stopped when it was full and wasn't obsessed with food every waking moment. What the fuck happened to me?

Therapy Today

2006-08-24T11:06:00.000-07:00

Well today is day five of being binge/purge free. Wow! What a success. LOL. No really, it is.
Anyway, I had my therapy appointment today and she told me that I should feel proud of myself but that I needed to realize that I will throw up again. Not what I wanted to hear. I want to be CURED, not slipping and sliding through this recovery PROCESS for years on end. Oh well. She doesn't want me to get too confident and then become devastated when I do slide. Well, at this point I would prefer to remain optimistic. She knows better than I however.
So, I just had to come on here and bitch about that really quick. I better get back to work.

Topamax Salvation

2006-08-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

Um, yeah, so I started the um, what's it called? Um, that's right "dope-a-max". And now I am like borderline retarded. I guess that is a small price to pay for not wanting to throw up, right?
So far the side effects are pretty shitty, but ANYTHING is tolerable if the drug keeps me from binging food and or throwing up!

I have horrendous insomnia. I mean it is BAD. Also, I can't drink my diet pepsi, flavored water or beer. It all tastes like ass. It's weird, other people have described it as everything tasting flat but for me it is more like it tastes extra spicy. I can't describe it really. I dunno. It sucks though. I only like plain water. And I always hated plain water. Oh, I can also handle Kahlua and milk (haha). I also have really weird stomach pains. But maybe that is from actually digesting food for once.

Lets' see, what else? I just feel lost. I'm glad I am a state worker and don't have much of a real job to do because boy would I be in trouble. Wow. I am constantly thirsty and peeing about 100 times per day. Lets' see what I accomplished at work today...

Got in late because I had to get blood work.
Logged in to my computer. Went pee.
Bitched about my friend's bridal shower we are planning and how fucking cheap everyone is being. Went pee.
Took a nice brisk 30 minute walk on my 15 minute break. (haha) Went pee.
Sat at my desk for a while and looked up Topamax side effects. Checked email, etc. Went pee.
Left work for a long lunch to meet with my nutritionist. Went pee there. Went pee when I got back.
Came back and took my real lunch and went pee.
Met with my boss briefly, went pee.
Met with two of my workers who had questions, went pee.
Blogged, now I have to go pee again!

Another productive day has come to a close... :)

It's all out there...

2006-08-18T06:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I had my therapist appointment yesterday and we focused on my need to tell my husband everything. I need to stop the lies and secretiveness etc. Then, after that I had the other visit for a medication evaluation. That nurse practitioner appointment was weird. The woman took a full mental health history. I disclosed everything and maybe I should not have. Because then when she asked me if I had guns in the house I said yes and she like freaked on me. She's like "do you have access to them? Can I call your husband now and make sure you don't have access to them for awhile?" I was like "Hell no you can't call him. He doesn't know any of this stuff." So, we battled back and forth on that issue and I almost got up and walked out. Finally she told me that she had a patient commit suicide so they have to be very cautious now. I was like, look lady, I am not going to kill myself with a hunting rifle, ok? I am here for my eating disorder because I want to stop killing myself. So, eventually she moved on from that. But, it freaked me out. I mean you can almost see how people would lie about shit because she has the power to probably send police to my house and take my guns and institutionalize me or some shit like that!

So anyway she prescribed Topamax for me which is supposed to stop the binging/purging cycle. Apparently it is a migraine medication that has also proven useful for the treatment of eating disorders. It helps suppress the appetite which should turn off the binging switch. It lessons the desire to purge and also kills your taste for alcohol. That's good too because I am something of an alkie as well. I did a lot of research on it though and it kind of freaks me out. It is supposed to have a high rate of cognitive side effects which turns you into some kind of retard. But, if it stops the eating problem I guess it is worth it. She is starting me out on a very low dose and will closely monitor me on it.

So, on to the show down...
Well, it wasn't even a show down! My husband was asking me about the appointment and I told him that I had something else to tell him but that he would have to promise me something first. (My therapist told me to use this approach) I told him that he must promise to never use what I'm about to reveal against me in anger and to never tell anyone else about it. He agreed and I told him EVERYTHING. I still can't believe I did it. I can't believe his reaction either. He didn't get mad or anything. He cried. He feels stupid for not noticing what I've been doing. He blames himself a lot. He is mad at me for hiding things and the whole disorder for so long, but that is understandable. He is going to support me as best he can. He actually knows a lot about the disorder as I guess one of his old friends used to have it too. So, wow, what a relief. I can't believe it is all out in the open! Now, I can't use him as an excuse not to recover. He will help me by letting me eat my diet food until I feel safe enough to eat real food again. Of course I am sure he will be watching me like a hawk too. That is scary but we will handle that one day at a time. I am so amazed.

My Great Support System

2006-08-17T06:39:00.000-07:00

So, I had a lovely night...
My therapist referred me to a nurse practitioner with prescription writing privileges. She specializes in treating eating disorders. So, I made an appointment with her. Well, a few weeks ago I got the paperwork in the mail. Of course my husband questioned me about it. I just blew it off and said it was junk mail.

Well, apparently the idiots called my house yesterday to confirm today's appointment. So, my husband asked me about it and I lied again. I just told him I was seeking help for my depression. He hit the roof. He is pissed at me for sneaking around behind his back. That is understandable. However, I am not ready to tell him about my eating disorder. I can't handle that yet. And I don't think I will ever be ready after last night.

You see I have battled with depression most of my life. My husband doesn't know how to handle it. I have seen a therapist before and been on medication. Well, I always stopped the treatment because my husband doesn't like me going to therapy. He thinks it is for wackos (which duh, I am!) and he doesn't want me on medication. He said it makes me a zombie and ruins my sex drive. So, basically he doesn't think I should get help. He just thinks I need to get over it without help. So, I said to him that of course I was hiding it based on his past reactions to my seeking help. Then he said I need to stop blaming him for my sneakiness. Whatever.

Then he told me that he can't handle my daughter anymore either. He is sick of dealing with her and sick of my problems. He wants to sell the house and get a divorce. I just said that I thought that was for the best too and he flipped even more. I guess I was supposed to beg and plead for him to stay? Yeah, whatever. He also said he will take our son with him. In his fucking dreams.

Then this morning when I got up he was still there. He usually leaves for work before I even get up. He told me he wasn't going to go to work because he was going to see an attorney. So, I said I would call a realtor and then cancel our trips. We were supposed to go to Vegas for his 40th birthday in October and our annual St. Thomas trip is booked for February. Then, he got mad again. I guess he is allowed to threaten divorce but I am not allowed to follow through with it?

How the fuck am I supposed to get better when I have a husband like him? I know I can't blame him for my problems. I am responsible for me. But, it is hard when I developed my eating disorder while being with him. I didn't have it before. According to my therapist eating disorders are not about food. They are a coping mechanism usually for when you feel so out of control with your life that you need something you can control. Then it spirals out of control too and you are really fucked. Then how do you try to recover when you have this kind of man "supporting" you? It's like pissing against the wind...

So, anyway I am seeing my therapist at lunch time today (and yep that is a secret too). Then I have the medication evaluation at 1:30. So, I will go on medication if she wants me too. Fuck my husband anyway.

Baby Steps

2006-08-14T13:20:00.000-07:00

My therapist told me not to try to suppress my eating disordered impulses right now. She said with continued therapy and new coping mechanisms I will come to rely on the behaviors less and less. They will disappear as I stop needing them to cope with life. However, she told me that I should try to eat one normal dinner some time next week (this was over a week ago). Just one.

So, after a horrendously disordered couple of days I decided to make Tuesday the day. So, I actually ate dinner. ThenI kept it down too! That is such a big step for me. This is something normal people do EVERY day and I haven't managed to do it in over 6 years. I just ate dinner. And guess what? I didn't die. I didn't gain 50 pounds or even one pound. I'm not supposed to weigh myself but I just had to. Now granted dinner was a 280 calorie Lean Cuisine but you have to start somewhere.

Then, a funny thing happened. On Wednesday for the first time in many years I wasn't ravenous when I woke up. I wasn't as obsessed with food either. So the simple task of keeping a meal in my body allowed me to go on and do it on Wednesday night too. Then I ate Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday too. My binging impulses were halted just with the simple actions of feeding my body three meals each day. I haven't been perfect but for the first time I feel that there is hope. Amazing. What is really amazing is how scary the whole thing is until you take that plunge and just fucking eat. Nobody who hasn't had an eating disorder can imagine the irrational fear that the ED gives you.

I talked to my nutritionist this morning and she is seeing me for a blind weigh in on Monday. We shall see how it goes. It is going to be really scary to gain weight. However, I know it is going to come with recovery. I was assured that once my body begins to recover it's metabolism that my weight will stabilize. It may be higher than my weight now. But, I am sick now. I need to realize this every day.

2006-07-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

I had my first therapist visit yesterday afternoon. I think it went really well. I really liked the woman a lot and felt comfortable discussing everything with her. She specializes in eating disorder treatment so I'm in good hands. She gave me a referral to meet with a dietician and a nurse practioner with prescription writing privileges. She thinks I would benefit from being on some medication to cope with the ED behaviors. The dietician will be able to work with me so that I can get where I need to be. She will help me understand the damage I have done to my body and metabolism and how restoring normal eating habits will affect my body. I am looking forward to meeting with her.

Anyway, the therapist listened to me made me realize that I do have a lot on my plate. I am not being a wimp by seeking gout some help. An average person could not cope with all the bullshit that I've got going on. That made me feel better to hear that.

I haven't heard from my daughter today. It's kind of good, less stressful anyway...

2006-07-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I talked to my daughter this morning. It didn't go well. What a little b-I-t-c-h!!!! She called me up to ask if I would still drive her to camp. Then she asked if she could stay at her friend's house in between camp and some party her friend is having. For 4 days...
I was like are you planning to come home at all? Like even for the weekend? She said she just couldn't stand to come home right now. What a little drama queen. It's not like she's being abused or something. She just hates her step dad telling her what to do. Whatever.

I made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I go today at 3PM. I am nervous because this is the first time I will actually sit in a room and admit that I have something wrong with me. I just know that I am so close to the edge it is unbelievable.

I'm back again...

2006-07-19T05:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I just can't stay away from blogging. I miss spilling my guts too much.

I am hovering on the brink of a nervous break down. I seriously think I need help. Depression is settling in once again. I can't seem to run from it. My eating disorder is waaaaaaaaayyy out of control and my alcohol use is getting pretty heavy as well. The kids are making me INSANE. I hate my job and my marriage is going to shit. I don't have a whole hell of a lot to be happy about right now.

My daughter went to stay with her dad for a while. I'm glad she's gone because some of the tension in the house immediately went with her. However, I am so scared of losing her for good. She hates my husband so much; all they do is fight. She moved out because of him. When he's not around we get along fine.

Last night my husband made the comment that he would move out if that's what I wanted. He says he can't bear to live with my daughter any more either. That is, if she comes back. So, that was a wake up call. I thought we were doing ok and he hit me with that. I just feel so alone.

Then, this whole eating disorder thing... This is the first time I've actually admitted it on here. I only eluded to it before. It's time to face the music and I guess the first step is to admit I have a serious problem. This thing will kill me but I can't seem to care about that too much day to day. At least enough to shake it.

Depression is like a fog which is just circling my whole life. I felt it creeping up on me this time. I tried to shake it and just can't. It started as a general funk and has grown into the full scale thing. I sometimes want to just swallow a bottle of pills and never wake up again. What I need to do is check myself into a treatment center. How the hell do you make time for that though? I don't have time for a nervous breakdown...