Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I hate this...

I'm not sure if I want to get better right now. I am really struggling it and really fighting it tooth and nail. It is such an internal battle. I have put on some weight which was necessary yet which sent me back over the edge. I don't know how much because I did stick to the not having a scale thing but it is at least a few pounds. My pants got tight and some of them don't fit and I couldn't handle it. I had gone from daily vomiting to maybe weekly, well I'm back up to daily. I just lost my desire to fight this right now. I haven't told my husband that I'm puking again. I don't want his support. I don't want to be married to him anymore either. I totally hate him right now. He is giving me a hassle about going back to school next week, because he doesn't want me to be away from home at night. Well, fuck him this is the first thing I am doing for MYSELF in forever and I am doing it, damn it.
I feel so alone yet I am basically making myself suffer alone by isolating myself. This is a sneaky, sucky disease.
I am seeing my counselor once a week of course but blowing off the nutritionist. I just can't handle the whole meal plan-eating thing right now. I know I am only in the beginning stages of recovery and this is a normal stage but I still feel so hopeless.
My medication has been upped a few times and even though I don't have much of an appetite or desire to binge I still want to throw up my food. I still want to be skinny. I can't handle this at all...


Blogger SCH said...

I know you can beat this. You say that it is just a stage that you are going through, I hope you pass it very quickly. I admit that I have no idea what to tell you, whether you need someone to say "You'll be fine" or "Quick f*cking puking" but you know where to find me if you need to talk.

7:24 PM  

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