Wednesday, August 30, 2006

She was Right

Well, it was too good to be true. My streak of good behavior that is...
I am really struggling right now. On Sunday I couldn't handle lunch even though it was a freaking ham sandwich. So, I threw it up. Dumb move! That just makes each meal harder and throws you right back into the cycle. Now it's Wednesday and I've thrown up every day since. Not dinner, but some time during the day. I just feel so fat and disgusting. It's driving me insane to not know what I weigh yet I know it's important to my recovery to not know. Plus I threw out my scale so I can't weigh myself.
I know logically that I am not fat since I wear a fucking size two. But, this disorder fucks with your mind. I also know logically that you do not balloon overnight or from eating dinners for one week, but yet I am expecting it to occur. Why oh why did I let myself do this to myself???
When I think back to my pre-eating disorder days...
I should have just kept my slightly bigger but never overweight body. The body that ate what it wanted and never worried about every calorie and fat gram. The body that stopped when it was full and wasn't obsessed with food every waking moment. What the fuck happened to me?


Blogger SCH said...

I wish I could tell you it would be easier next week, but I can't. You do need to listen to your counselor, I am sure she has seen this many times over and knows how to get you back to where you don't have this eating disorder.

Remember there are people praying for you. Drop me a line when you can.

6:53 PM  

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