Thursday, August 17, 2006

My Great Support System

So, I had a lovely night...
My therapist referred me to a nurse practitioner with prescription writing privileges. She specializes in treating eating disorders. So, I made an appointment with her. Well, a few weeks ago I got the paperwork in the mail. Of course my husband questioned me about it. I just blew it off and said it was junk mail.

Well, apparently the idiots called my house yesterday to confirm today's appointment. So, my husband asked me about it and I lied again. I just told him I was seeking help for my depression. He hit the roof. He is pissed at me for sneaking around behind his back. That is understandable. However, I am not ready to tell him about my eating disorder. I can't handle that yet. And I don't think I will ever be ready after last night.

You see I have battled with depression most of my life. My husband doesn't know how to handle it. I have seen a therapist before and been on medication. Well, I always stopped the treatment because my husband doesn't like me going to therapy. He thinks it is for wackos (which duh, I am!) and he doesn't want me on medication. He said it makes me a zombie and ruins my sex drive. So, basically he doesn't think I should get help. He just thinks I need to get over it without help. So, I said to him that of course I was hiding it based on his past reactions to my seeking help. Then he said I need to stop blaming him for my sneakiness. Whatever.

Then he told me that he can't handle my daughter anymore either. He is sick of dealing with her and sick of my problems. He wants to sell the house and get a divorce. I just said that I thought that was for the best too and he flipped even more. I guess I was supposed to beg and plead for him to stay? Yeah, whatever. He also said he will take our son with him. In his fucking dreams.

Then this morning when I got up he was still there. He usually leaves for work before I even get up. He told me he wasn't going to go to work because he was going to see an attorney. So, I said I would call a realtor and then cancel our trips. We were supposed to go to Vegas for his 40th birthday in October and our annual St. Thomas trip is booked for February. Then, he got mad again. I guess he is allowed to threaten divorce but I am not allowed to follow through with it?

How the fuck am I supposed to get better when I have a husband like him? I know I can't blame him for my problems. I am responsible for me. But, it is hard when I developed my eating disorder while being with him. I didn't have it before. According to my therapist eating disorders are not about food. They are a coping mechanism usually for when you feel so out of control with your life that you need something you can control. Then it spirals out of control too and you are really fucked. Then how do you try to recover when you have this kind of man "supporting" you? It's like pissing against the wind...

So, anyway I am seeing my therapist at lunch time today (and yep that is a secret too). Then I have the medication evaluation at 1:30. So, I will go on medication if she wants me too. Fuck my husband anyway.


Blogger SCH said...

I wish I could help you. You defintitely need someone to lean on occassionally. If you want to you can contact me.

I am glad you came back to see me also! :)

9:39 AM  

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