Friday, August 18, 2006

It's all out there...

Well, I had my therapist appointment yesterday and we focused on my need to tell my husband everything. I need to stop the lies and secretiveness etc. Then, after that I had the other visit for a medication evaluation. That nurse practitioner appointment was weird. The woman took a full mental health history. I disclosed everything and maybe I should not have. Because then when she asked me if I had guns in the house I said yes and she like freaked on me. She's like "do you have access to them? Can I call your husband now and make sure you don't have access to them for awhile?" I was like "Hell no you can't call him. He doesn't know any of this stuff." So, we battled back and forth on that issue and I almost got up and walked out. Finally she told me that she had a patient commit suicide so they have to be very cautious now. I was like, look lady, I am not going to kill myself with a hunting rifle, ok? I am here for my eating disorder because I want to stop killing myself. So, eventually she moved on from that. But, it freaked me out. I mean you can almost see how people would lie about shit because she has the power to probably send police to my house and take my guns and institutionalize me or some shit like that!

So anyway she prescribed Topamax for me which is supposed to stop the binging/purging cycle. Apparently it is a migraine medication that has also proven useful for the treatment of eating disorders. It helps suppress the appetite which should turn off the binging switch. It lessons the desire to purge and also kills your taste for alcohol. That's good too because I am something of an alkie as well. I did a lot of research on it though and it kind of freaks me out. It is supposed to have a high rate of cognitive side effects which turns you into some kind of retard. But, if it stops the eating problem I guess it is worth it. She is starting me out on a very low dose and will closely monitor me on it.

So, on to the show down...
Well, it wasn't even a show down! My husband was asking me about the appointment and I told him that I had something else to tell him but that he would have to promise me something first. (My therapist told me to use this approach) I told him that he must promise to never use what I'm about to reveal against me in anger and to never tell anyone else about it. He agreed and I told him EVERYTHING. I still can't believe I did it. I can't believe his reaction either. He didn't get mad or anything. He cried. He feels stupid for not noticing what I've been doing. He blames himself a lot. He is mad at me for hiding things and the whole disorder for so long, but that is understandable. He is going to support me as best he can. He actually knows a lot about the disorder as I guess one of his old friends used to have it too. So, wow, what a relief. I can't believe it is all out in the open! Now, I can't use him as an excuse not to recover. He will help me by letting me eat my diet food until I feel safe enough to eat real food again. Of course I am sure he will be watching me like a hawk too. That is scary but we will handle that one day at a time. I am so amazed.


Blogger SCH said...


You are doing very good!! Now that your husband knows the whole dark side of it all, I'll bet he is scared that he will lose you and will support you completely. That was a really big step you took.

I am very proud of you!

5:13 AM  

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