Monday, August 14, 2006

Baby Steps

My therapist told me not to try to suppress my eating disordered impulses right now. She said with continued therapy and new coping mechanisms I will come to rely on the behaviors less and less. They will disappear as I stop needing them to cope with life. However, she told me that I should try to eat one normal dinner some time next week (this was over a week ago). Just one.

So, after a horrendously disordered couple of days I decided to make Tuesday the day. So, I actually ate dinner. ThenI kept it down too! That is such a big step for me. This is something normal people do EVERY day and I haven't managed to do it in over 6 years. I just ate dinner. And guess what? I didn't die. I didn't gain 50 pounds or even one pound. I'm not supposed to weigh myself but I just had to. Now granted dinner was a 280 calorie Lean Cuisine but you have to start somewhere.

Then, a funny thing happened. On Wednesday for the first time in many years I wasn't ravenous when I woke up. I wasn't as obsessed with food either. So the simple task of keeping a meal in my body allowed me to go on and do it on Wednesday night too. Then I ate Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday too. My binging impulses were halted just with the simple actions of feeding my body three meals each day. I haven't been perfect but for the first time I feel that there is hope. Amazing. What is really amazing is how scary the whole thing is until you take that plunge and just fucking eat. Nobody who hasn't had an eating disorder can imagine the irrational fear that the ED gives you.

I talked to my nutritionist this morning and she is seeing me for a blind weigh in on Monday. We shall see how it goes. It is going to be really scary to gain weight. However, I know it is going to come with recovery. I was assured that once my body begins to recover it's metabolism that my weight will stabilize. It may be higher than my weight now. But, I am sick now. I need to realize this every day.


Blogger Shazer said...

I was surfing around and read your blog. Good for you. Although I don't know you, I am proud. I know how hard it can be to change your life. I think it is awesome that you've decided to do so. Keep up the great work!

4:57 PM  
Blogger SCH said...

I do know you, because I have followed you around. I am very proud of you!! :) I keep coming by to see if you have posted anything recently. I almost emailed you to find out if you were doing ok. Take care of you. (((HUGS)))

6:39 PM  

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