Wednesday, August 30, 2006

She was Right

Well, it was too good to be true. My streak of good behavior that is...
I am really struggling right now. On Sunday I couldn't handle lunch even though it was a freaking ham sandwich. So, I threw it up. Dumb move! That just makes each meal harder and throws you right back into the cycle. Now it's Wednesday and I've thrown up every day since. Not dinner, but some time during the day. I just feel so fat and disgusting. It's driving me insane to not know what I weigh yet I know it's important to my recovery to not know. Plus I threw out my scale so I can't weigh myself.
I know logically that I am not fat since I wear a fucking size two. But, this disorder fucks with your mind. I also know logically that you do not balloon overnight or from eating dinners for one week, but yet I am expecting it to occur. Why oh why did I let myself do this to myself???
When I think back to my pre-eating disorder days...
I should have just kept my slightly bigger but never overweight body. The body that ate what it wanted and never worried about every calorie and fat gram. The body that stopped when it was full and wasn't obsessed with food every waking moment. What the fuck happened to me?

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Therapy Today

Well today is day five of being binge/purge free. Wow! What a success. LOL. No really, it is.
Anyway, I had my therapy appointment today and she told me that I should feel proud of myself but that I needed to realize that I will throw up again. Not what I wanted to hear. I want to be CURED, not slipping and sliding through this recovery PROCESS for years on end. Oh well. She doesn't want me to get too confident and then become devastated when I do slide. Well, at this point I would prefer to remain optimistic. She knows better than I however.
So, I just had to come on here and bitch about that really quick. I better get back to work.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Topamax Salvation

Um, yeah, so I started the um, what's it called? Um, that's right "dope-a-max". And now I am like borderline retarded. I guess that is a small price to pay for not wanting to throw up, right?
So far the side effects are pretty shitty, but ANYTHING is tolerable if the drug keeps me from binging food and or throwing up!

I have horrendous insomnia. I mean it is BAD. Also, I can't drink my diet pepsi, flavored water or beer. It all tastes like ass. It's weird, other people have described it as everything tasting flat but for me it is more like it tastes extra spicy. I can't describe it really. I dunno. It sucks though. I only like plain water. And I always hated plain water. Oh, I can also handle Kahlua and milk (haha). I also have really weird stomach pains. But maybe that is from actually digesting food for once.

Lets' see, what else? I just feel lost. I'm glad I am a state worker and don't have much of a real job to do because boy would I be in trouble. Wow. I am constantly thirsty and peeing about 100 times per day. Lets' see what I accomplished at work today...

Got in late because I had to get blood work.
Logged in to my computer. Went pee.
Bitched about my friend's bridal shower we are planning and how fucking cheap everyone is being. Went pee.
Took a nice brisk 30 minute walk on my 15 minute break. (haha) Went pee.
Sat at my desk for a while and looked up Topamax side effects. Checked email, etc. Went pee.
Left work for a long lunch to meet with my nutritionist. Went pee there. Went pee when I got back.
Came back and took my real lunch and went pee.
Met with my boss briefly, went pee.
Met with two of my workers who had questions, went pee.
Blogged, now I have to go pee again!

Another productive day has come to a close... :)

Friday, August 18, 2006

It's all out there...

Well, I had my therapist appointment yesterday and we focused on my need to tell my husband everything. I need to stop the lies and secretiveness etc. Then, after that I had the other visit for a medication evaluation. That nurse practitioner appointment was weird. The woman took a full mental health history. I disclosed everything and maybe I should not have. Because then when she asked me if I had guns in the house I said yes and she like freaked on me. She's like "do you have access to them? Can I call your husband now and make sure you don't have access to them for awhile?" I was like "Hell no you can't call him. He doesn't know any of this stuff." So, we battled back and forth on that issue and I almost got up and walked out. Finally she told me that she had a patient commit suicide so they have to be very cautious now. I was like, look lady, I am not going to kill myself with a hunting rifle, ok? I am here for my eating disorder because I want to stop killing myself. So, eventually she moved on from that. But, it freaked me out. I mean you can almost see how people would lie about shit because she has the power to probably send police to my house and take my guns and institutionalize me or some shit like that!

So anyway she prescribed Topamax for me which is supposed to stop the binging/purging cycle. Apparently it is a migraine medication that has also proven useful for the treatment of eating disorders. It helps suppress the appetite which should turn off the binging switch. It lessons the desire to purge and also kills your taste for alcohol. That's good too because I am something of an alkie as well. I did a lot of research on it though and it kind of freaks me out. It is supposed to have a high rate of cognitive side effects which turns you into some kind of retard. But, if it stops the eating problem I guess it is worth it. She is starting me out on a very low dose and will closely monitor me on it.

So, on to the show down...
Well, it wasn't even a show down! My husband was asking me about the appointment and I told him that I had something else to tell him but that he would have to promise me something first. (My therapist told me to use this approach) I told him that he must promise to never use what I'm about to reveal against me in anger and to never tell anyone else about it. He agreed and I told him EVERYTHING. I still can't believe I did it. I can't believe his reaction either. He didn't get mad or anything. He cried. He feels stupid for not noticing what I've been doing. He blames himself a lot. He is mad at me for hiding things and the whole disorder for so long, but that is understandable. He is going to support me as best he can. He actually knows a lot about the disorder as I guess one of his old friends used to have it too. So, wow, what a relief. I can't believe it is all out in the open! Now, I can't use him as an excuse not to recover. He will help me by letting me eat my diet food until I feel safe enough to eat real food again. Of course I am sure he will be watching me like a hawk too. That is scary but we will handle that one day at a time. I am so amazed.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

My Great Support System

So, I had a lovely night...
My therapist referred me to a nurse practitioner with prescription writing privileges. She specializes in treating eating disorders. So, I made an appointment with her. Well, a few weeks ago I got the paperwork in the mail. Of course my husband questioned me about it. I just blew it off and said it was junk mail.

Well, apparently the idiots called my house yesterday to confirm today's appointment. So, my husband asked me about it and I lied again. I just told him I was seeking help for my depression. He hit the roof. He is pissed at me for sneaking around behind his back. That is understandable. However, I am not ready to tell him about my eating disorder. I can't handle that yet. And I don't think I will ever be ready after last night.

You see I have battled with depression most of my life. My husband doesn't know how to handle it. I have seen a therapist before and been on medication. Well, I always stopped the treatment because my husband doesn't like me going to therapy. He thinks it is for wackos (which duh, I am!) and he doesn't want me on medication. He said it makes me a zombie and ruins my sex drive. So, basically he doesn't think I should get help. He just thinks I need to get over it without help. So, I said to him that of course I was hiding it based on his past reactions to my seeking help. Then he said I need to stop blaming him for my sneakiness. Whatever.

Then he told me that he can't handle my daughter anymore either. He is sick of dealing with her and sick of my problems. He wants to sell the house and get a divorce. I just said that I thought that was for the best too and he flipped even more. I guess I was supposed to beg and plead for him to stay? Yeah, whatever. He also said he will take our son with him. In his fucking dreams.

Then this morning when I got up he was still there. He usually leaves for work before I even get up. He told me he wasn't going to go to work because he was going to see an attorney. So, I said I would call a realtor and then cancel our trips. We were supposed to go to Vegas for his 40th birthday in October and our annual St. Thomas trip is booked for February. Then, he got mad again. I guess he is allowed to threaten divorce but I am not allowed to follow through with it?

How the fuck am I supposed to get better when I have a husband like him? I know I can't blame him for my problems. I am responsible for me. But, it is hard when I developed my eating disorder while being with him. I didn't have it before. According to my therapist eating disorders are not about food. They are a coping mechanism usually for when you feel so out of control with your life that you need something you can control. Then it spirals out of control too and you are really fucked. Then how do you try to recover when you have this kind of man "supporting" you? It's like pissing against the wind...

So, anyway I am seeing my therapist at lunch time today (and yep that is a secret too). Then I have the medication evaluation at 1:30. So, I will go on medication if she wants me too. Fuck my husband anyway.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Baby Steps

My therapist told me not to try to suppress my eating disordered impulses right now. She said with continued therapy and new coping mechanisms I will come to rely on the behaviors less and less. They will disappear as I stop needing them to cope with life. However, she told me that I should try to eat one normal dinner some time next week (this was over a week ago). Just one.

So, after a horrendously disordered couple of days I decided to make Tuesday the day. So, I actually ate dinner. ThenI kept it down too! That is such a big step for me. This is something normal people do EVERY day and I haven't managed to do it in over 6 years. I just ate dinner. And guess what? I didn't die. I didn't gain 50 pounds or even one pound. I'm not supposed to weigh myself but I just had to. Now granted dinner was a 280 calorie Lean Cuisine but you have to start somewhere.

Then, a funny thing happened. On Wednesday for the first time in many years I wasn't ravenous when I woke up. I wasn't as obsessed with food either. So the simple task of keeping a meal in my body allowed me to go on and do it on Wednesday night too. Then I ate Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday too. My binging impulses were halted just with the simple actions of feeding my body three meals each day. I haven't been perfect but for the first time I feel that there is hope. Amazing. What is really amazing is how scary the whole thing is until you take that plunge and just fucking eat. Nobody who hasn't had an eating disorder can imagine the irrational fear that the ED gives you.

I talked to my nutritionist this morning and she is seeing me for a blind weigh in on Monday. We shall see how it goes. It is going to be really scary to gain weight. However, I know it is going to come with recovery. I was assured that once my body begins to recover it's metabolism that my weight will stabilize. It may be higher than my weight now. But, I am sick now. I need to realize this every day.