Friday, July 21, 2006

I had my first therapist visit yesterday afternoon. I think it went really well. I really liked the woman a lot and felt comfortable discussing everything with her. She specializes in eating disorder treatment so I'm in good hands. She gave me a referral to meet with a dietician and a nurse practioner with prescription writing privileges. She thinks I would benefit from being on some medication to cope with the ED behaviors. The dietician will be able to work with me so that I can get where I need to be. She will help me understand the damage I have done to my body and metabolism and how restoring normal eating habits will affect my body. I am looking forward to meeting with her.

Anyway, the therapist listened to me made me realize that I do have a lot on my plate. I am not being a wimp by seeking gout some help. An average person could not cope with all the bullshit that I've got going on. That made me feel better to hear that.

I haven't heard from my daughter today. It's kind of good, less stressful anyway...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Well, I talked to my daughter this morning. It didn't go well. What a little b-I-t-c-h!!!! She called me up to ask if I would still drive her to camp. Then she asked if she could stay at her friend's house in between camp and some party her friend is having. For 4 days...
I was like are you planning to come home at all? Like even for the weekend? She said she just couldn't stand to come home right now. What a little drama queen. It's not like she's being abused or something. She just hates her step dad telling her what to do. Whatever.

I made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I go today at 3PM. I am nervous because this is the first time I will actually sit in a room and admit that I have something wrong with me. I just know that I am so close to the edge it is unbelievable.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I'm back again...

Well, I guess I just can't stay away from blogging. I miss spilling my guts too much.

I am hovering on the brink of a nervous break down. I seriously think I need help. Depression is settling in once again. I can't seem to run from it. My eating disorder is waaaaaaaaayyy out of control and my alcohol use is getting pretty heavy as well. The kids are making me INSANE. I hate my job and my marriage is going to shit. I don't have a whole hell of a lot to be happy about right now.

My daughter went to stay with her dad for a while. I'm glad she's gone because some of the tension in the house immediately went with her. However, I am so scared of losing her for good. She hates my husband so much; all they do is fight. She moved out because of him. When he's not around we get along fine.

Last night my husband made the comment that he would move out if that's what I wanted. He says he can't bear to live with my daughter any more either. That is, if she comes back. So, that was a wake up call. I thought we were doing ok and he hit me with that. I just feel so alone.

Then, this whole eating disorder thing... This is the first time I've actually admitted it on here. I only eluded to it before. It's time to face the music and I guess the first step is to admit I have a serious problem. This thing will kill me but I can't seem to care about that too much day to day. At least enough to shake it.

Depression is like a fog which is just circling my whole life. I felt it creeping up on me this time. I tried to shake it and just can't. It started as a general funk and has grown into the full scale thing. I sometimes want to just swallow a bottle of pills and never wake up again. What I need to do is check myself into a treatment center. How the hell do you make time for that though? I don't have time for a nervous breakdown...