Asshole I.T. guys!

Well, now it looks like I am blocked from all fucking blogspot websites. Apparently I can still get on this to type a blog but all urls with blogspot in the addy have now been blocked. So, I can update my blog, but not look at it! WTF??? Also, now I can not keep up with anyone elses. Do the dickheads in Harrisburg actually expect me to work all fucking day? I mean come on! I need entertainment too.

I hate this...

I'm not sure if I want to get better right now. I am really struggling it and really fighting it tooth and nail. It is such an internal battle. I have put on some weight which was necessary yet which sent me back over the edge. I don't know how much because I did stick to the not having a scale thing but it is at least a few pounds. My pants got tight and some of them don't fit and I couldn't handle it. I had gone from daily vomiting to maybe weekly, well I'm back up to daily. I just lost my desire to fight this right now. I haven't told my husband that I'm puking again. I don't want his support. I don't want to be married to him anymore either. I totally hate him right now. He is giving me a hassle about going back to school next week, because he doesn't want me to be away from home at night. Well, fuck him this is the first thing I am doing for MYSELF in forever and I am doing it, damn it.
I feel so alone yet I am basically making myself suffer alone by isolating myself. This is a sneaky, sucky disease.
I am seeing my counselor once a week of course but blowing off the nutritionist. I just can't handle the whole meal plan-eating thing right now. I know I am only in the beginning stages of recovery and this is a normal stage but I still feel so hopeless.
My medication has been upped a few times and even though I don't have much of an appetite or desire to binge I still want to throw up my food. I still want to be skinny. I can't handle this at all...

She was Right

Well, it was too good to be true. My streak of good behavior that is...
I am really struggling right now. On Sunday I couldn't handle lunch even though it was a freaking ham sandwich. So, I threw it up. Dumb move! That just makes each meal harder and throws you right back into the cycle. Now it's Wednesday and I've thrown up every day since. Not dinner, but some time during the day. I just feel so fat and disgusting. It's driving me insane to not know what I weigh yet I know it's important to my recovery to not know. Plus I threw out my scale so I can't weigh myself.
I know logically that I am not fat since I wear a fucking size two. But, this disorder fucks with your mind. I also know logically that you do not balloon overnight or from eating dinners for one week, but yet I am expecting it to occur. Why oh why did I let myself do this to myself???
When I think back to my pre-eating disorder days...
I should have just kept my slightly bigger but never overweight body. The body that ate what it wanted and never worried about every calorie and fat gram. The body that stopped when it was full and wasn't obsessed with food every waking moment. What the fuck happened to me?

Therapy Today

Well today is day five of being binge/purge free. Wow! What a success. LOL. No really, it is.
Anyway, I had my therapy appointment today and she told me that I should feel proud of myself but that I needed to realize that I will throw up again. Not what I wanted to hear. I want to be CURED, not slipping and sliding through this recovery PROCESS for years on end. Oh well. She doesn't want me to get too confident and then become devastated when I do slide. Well, at this point I would prefer to remain optimistic. She knows better than I however.
So, I just had to come on here and bitch about that really quick. I better get back to work.

Topamax Salvation

Um, yeah, so I started the um, what's it called? Um, that's right "dope-a-max". And now I am like borderline retarded. I guess that is a small price to pay for not wanting to throw up, right?
So far the side effects are pretty shitty, but ANYTHING is tolerable if the drug keeps me from binging food and or throwing up!

I have horrendous insomnia. I mean it is BAD. Also, I can't drink my diet pepsi, flavored water or beer. It all tastes like ass. It's weird, other people have described it as everything tasting flat but for me it is more like it tastes extra spicy. I can't describe it really. I dunno. It sucks though. I only like plain water. And I always hated plain water. Oh, I can also handle Kahlua and milk (haha). I also have really weird stomach pains. But maybe that is from actually digesting food for once.

Lets' see, what else? I just feel lost. I'm glad I am a state worker and don't have much of a real job to do because boy would I be in trouble. Wow. I am constantly thirsty and peeing about 100 times per day. Lets' see what I accomplished at work today...

Got in late because I had to get blood work.
Logged in to my computer. Went pee.
Bitched about my friend's bridal shower we are planning and how fucking cheap everyone is being. Went pee.
Took a nice brisk 30 minute walk on my 15 minute break. (haha) Went pee.
Sat at my desk for a while and looked up Topamax side effects. Checked email, etc. Went pee.
Left work for a long lunch to meet with my nutritionist. Went pee there. Went pee when I got back.
Came back and took my real lunch and went pee.
Met with my boss briefly, went pee.
Met with two of my workers who had questions, went pee.
Blogged, now I have to go pee again!

Another productive day has come to a close... :)

It's all out there...

Well, I had my therapist appointment yesterday and we focused on my need to tell my husband everything. I need to stop the lies and secretiveness etc. Then, after that I had the other visit for a medication evaluation. That nurse practitioner appointment was weird. The woman took a full mental health history. I disclosed everything and maybe I should not have. Because then when she asked me if I had guns in the house I said yes and she like freaked on me. She's like "do you have access to them? Can I call your husband now and make sure you don't have access to them for awhile?" I was like "Hell no you can't call him. He doesn't know any of this stuff." So, we battled back and forth on that issue and I almost got up and walked out. Finally she told me that she had a patient commit suicide so they have to be very cautious now. I was like, look lady, I am not going to kill myself with a hunting rifle, ok? I am here for my eating disorder because I want to stop killing myself. So, eventually she moved on from that. But, it freaked me out. I mean you can almost see how people would lie about shit because she has the power to probably send police to my house and take my guns and institutionalize me or some shit like that!

So anyway she prescribed Topamax for me which is supposed to stop the binging/purging cycle. Apparently it is a migraine medication that has also proven useful for the treatment of eating disorders. It helps suppress the appetite which should turn off the binging switch. It lessons the desire to purge and also kills your taste for alcohol. That's good too because I am something of an alkie as well. I did a lot of research on it though and it kind of freaks me out. It is supposed to have a high rate of cognitive side effects which turns you into some kind of retard. But, if it stops the eating problem I guess it is worth it. She is starting me out on a very low dose and will closely monitor me on it.

So, on to the show down...
Well, it wasn't even a show down! My husband was asking me about the appointment and I told him that I had something else to tell him but that he would have to promise me something first. (My therapist told me to use this approach) I told him that he must promise to never use what I'm about to reveal against me in anger and to never tell anyone else about it. He agreed and I told him EVERYTHING. I still can't believe I did it. I can't believe his reaction either. He didn't get mad or anything. He cried. He feels stupid for not noticing what I've been doing. He blames himself a lot. He is mad at me for hiding things and the whole disorder for so long, but that is understandable. He is going to support me as best he can. He actually knows a lot about the disorder as I guess one of his old friends used to have it too. So, wow, what a relief. I can't believe it is all out in the open! Now, I can't use him as an excuse not to recover. He will help me by letting me eat my diet food until I feel safe enough to eat real food again. Of course I am sure he will be watching me like a hawk too. That is scary but we will handle that one day at a time. I am so amazed.

My Great Support System

So, I had a lovely night...
My therapist referred me to a nurse practitioner with prescription writing privileges. She specializes in treating eating disorders. So, I made an appointment with her. Well, a few weeks ago I got the paperwork in the mail. Of course my husband questioned me about it. I just blew it off and said it was junk mail.

Well, apparently the idiots called my house yesterday to confirm today's appointment. So, my husband asked me about it and I lied again. I just told him I was seeking help for my depression. He hit the roof. He is pissed at me for sneaking around behind his back. That is understandable. However, I am not ready to tell him about my eating disorder. I can't handle that yet. And I don't think I will ever be ready after last night.

You see I have battled with depression most of my life. My husband doesn't know how to handle it. I have seen a therapist before and been on medication. Well, I always stopped the treatment because my husband doesn't like me going to therapy. He thinks it is for wackos (which duh, I am!) and he doesn't want me on medication. He said it makes me a zombie and ruins my sex drive. So, basically he doesn't think I should get help. He just thinks I need to get over it without help. So, I said to him that of course I was hiding it based on his past reactions to my seeking help. Then he said I need to stop blaming him for my sneakiness. Whatever.

Then he told me that he can't handle my daughter anymore either. He is sick of dealing with her and sick of my problems. He wants to sell the house and get a divorce. I just said that I thought that was for the best too and he flipped even more. I guess I was supposed to beg and plead for him to stay? Yeah, whatever. He also said he will take our son with him. In his fucking dreams.

Then this morning when I got up he was still there. He usually leaves for work before I even get up. He told me he wasn't going to go to work because he was going to see an attorney. So, I said I would call a realtor and then cancel our trips. We were supposed to go to Vegas for his 40th birthday in October and our annual St. Thomas trip is booked for February. Then, he got mad again. I guess he is allowed to threaten divorce but I am not allowed to follow through with it?

How the fuck am I supposed to get better when I have a husband like him? I know I can't blame him for my problems. I am responsible for me. But, it is hard when I developed my eating disorder while being with him. I didn't have it before. According to my therapist eating disorders are not about food. They are a coping mechanism usually for when you feel so out of control with your life that you need something you can control. Then it spirals out of control too and you are really fucked. Then how do you try to recover when you have this kind of man "supporting" you? It's like pissing against the wind...

So, anyway I am seeing my therapist at lunch time today (and yep that is a secret too). Then I have the medication evaluation at 1:30. So, I will go on medication if she wants me too. Fuck my husband anyway.